Blindness

Why can all the people around you see the obvious and you can't, especially when it comes to relationships? Are these people challenges made specifically for us, or is the lesson in seeing how inappropriate people are, even in the face of feeling affection towards them?

Why am I attracted to needy, narcissistic people, and not grounded, happy, financially stable people? What aspect of MY personality does this serve? What wound of mine does this serve? It keeps me distracted from the work I need to focus on - it creates drama, so I'm too busy to stop and reflect. Too agitated to let the little voice inside have a say, and it keeps me from having to confront her needs for security.

Much has come up for me in the past few days.

Do the scales finally fall?

In a conversation an evening or two ago, I almost audibly heard the penny drop. The BB was explaining that he is unhappy, and the reasons for that are a lack of motivating elements in his life, a lack of me spending regular quality time with him, a lack of a consistent coffee delivery service. I asked, well, don't you have people that you made commitments to? Isn't that a reason to get out of bed? Apparently not. Also, not willing to work on a business plan for what is actually a good idea because he doesn't want to write something that will, of course, need to be rewritten. And I feel the subtext to all of this is: Please come over here and take care of all this for me. Give me my motivation back. Bring me coffee. Write my business plan.

Do I need to say that this all holds very little interest for me? I have so much of my own stuff going on, I really do not need to be living someone else's life for them.

Day of revelations

No whining today. It passed - my day was interesting yesterday.

Had lunch with a friend in the same boat - so sharing and venting made me feel better, and the feeling of friendship. The women in my life are where I need to focus! These are the nourishing relationships.

At the shop, had a chat with an affiliated person, who shared that BB had unloaded on her a number of our more personal details - it made her uncomfortable to hear it, but the feeling I got was that she thought he was a fool for even saying anything, and what he said was outrageous (my words, not hers). Okay, interesting.

But the killer was turning then to the computer, and having a chat window pop up from CH's (ex)girlfriend, and we proceeded to type back and forth for 2 HOURS. I got confirmation that I am not crazy - that what went on in the relationship with CH is not my imagination. Confirmation that I need to be alone for awhile - men lying and telling tales, who needs it??? So repaired the relationship I had with the girlfriend. Was told again - move forward. Yes!

And then came home to drunk CH, who had been out chatting up some women somewhere, and telling him to get a psychic reading, lol. By the psychic that I send everyone to! Double lol!!

Thank you universe, for keeping me entertained :)

Funk

Major funk! Was having a serene day yesterday, relaxing and reading in bed, with all the cats piled around. Met my goal of reading Elizabeth Gilbert's Committed, it seemed an appropriate book to be reading while figuring out the divorce. And in light of other people also getting ready to divorce.

Anyway, bubble was shattered when CH came home, dished himself some dinner, then told me how he was planning medical expenditures - hearing aids, and lasik - and perhaps I was volatile, but it set me off, then set him off. Another cheery fight over money. Over who gets the house. Over his friends advising him I shouldn't be let back into the house (MY house, yes, again!). Finally get to sleep, then am woken up at 5:30 when CH is in the kitchen running water, making coffee prior to going to the gym. Thanks, an additional hour and a half to cry this morning!

Clarity from this is: I need my own space. I am not comfortable having these emotional booby traps, tired of going over the same ground, the same hurts. Tired of being told that I was the one who left, when CH was the one who was absent for much of the marriage. Just freaked, feeling panicky about financial future, but doing a LOT of self calming talk.

BB no help either - another story. But between the two, I am being driven mad - each has his own idea of what would make me right, and neither feel shy about telling me. I'm not behaving in a satisfactory manner for either one - not giving enough, though both frame it as wanting to help me. Driving BB for coffee, cleaning his cat box, loading his dishwasher is not helping me. Directing CH in the details is not helping me.

I hope I am not coming across as a whiner. I feel whiny. I feel cranky. Is this all my shadow coming out? Where I act like a thwarted 3 year old? Am I just tired? Because aside from the romantic entanglements, everything else is going well. And aside from the financial worry, which I think, if I were to get away from both, would lessen, it would just be clearer. I'd have space to take a job, or to work here more, without the huge drain of having to take care of them. I forget how scrappy I can be.

Center, focus, move forward!

Posers

I have been having way too much interaction with CH. I don't know what his game is, but now that we are on the brink of divorce, he decides that he is 100% invested in the health of the store, wants to dig in and get the accounting done, wants to think up and run events. Where was he a YEAR ago? Where was he when the accounting needed doing? In a bar, somewhere, or sleeping off being in a bar somewhere. Or just gone, not around.

He accompanied me to film night Thursday, wine walk Friday and is lurking here all day today. He has NEVER spent this much time doing store related things, and I am so IRRITATED. I hear how dedicated to building community he is, how hard WE are working to reach out and make a difference. HE is not doing anything other than talking about it. I am the one making connections, working on boards, volunteering my time and resources to others in the community. I feel like he is riding my coattails, making himself look good, after I have done all the work. And I don't wish to be viewed as egotistical, and not giving credit where credit is due, but he has done NOTHING of his own volition that has really stuck. And he keeps volunteering me and the shop, which needs to stop. Then I get the "oh, you never let me do anything" routine, which is also offensive.

Being nice is apparently not working. Now I wonder if he is really going to move out. He's not off looking at houses today, nor have I seen movement towards getting the house he says he likes. What is he thinking? And tonight, when I go on my date with Big Boyfriend, is there going to be bad feelings and jealousy?

I would like to think I am not just being a spoiled brat here, being offered help, then scoffing at it. I would like help in the form that makes sense, and is actually helpful. Is that too much to ask?

More clarity

The path of financial self-sufficiency is clearly what's being supported. Yesterday saw a parade of friends through, and when people show up, I take it as confirmation. Yes.

Looking around the house, if I were to stay, I would like to repaint the living room, from the shiny olive that Current Husband painted it over the summer to something cheerier, perhaps a melon or salmony shade. Refinish the floor. Rip up the carpeting in the bedroom and office, and repaint. Big project would be to rip out the deck, remove the hot tub - or fix it and rebuild the deck around it. I thought part of why I got married was to have a partner in doing these things, but it didn't turn out that way. I would also like to have a door on my bathroom downstairs, and have that project finished. DO I have the money for this? No, but now I have an idea.

And with the store, I am having ideas too - so focus, focus, focus. Leave the boys behind, or at least keep them in a place that suits my needs, not theirs. I need to put things in the correct order: Me, The Store, The Cats, The Finances, My Friends...............................................................boys.

Ask

There's nothing like a little clarity.

After having a necessary but unwanted conversation this morning with Current Husband, it occurred to me that what I need most and want most is financial self-sufficiency. Enough money to have a place to live without a lot of anxiety. A place to feel safe, where the cats and I can sleep in peace, wander barefoot, drink tea without having to deal with anyone else's needs. Getting to create an altar that will not be moved or messed with. Being able to read again, being able to go out and come home without answering to anyone. Okay, that all goes beyond the financial, but you know what I mean.

I floated a note out to my friend Venus, who later popped by to listen to my nonsense - but there you go, she said, yes, pursue the financial independence. Followed by another friend, the Wise Crone, who said the very same thing.

So I put the idea out, and get all sorts of confirmation that this is the right path.

And I have to say yes, even though it feels scary, and this is the first time in probably 30 years that I have not had a secure way to support myself. But I can't allow myself to be beholden to someone emotionally because I'm concerned about the house payment. What I need to do then is SELL THE HOUSE. Although that makes me a bit sad. :(

Maybe I go talk to a banker, and figure it all out.

Big blow up over the weekend. A huge fight precipitated by internet difficulty, which resulted in the current husband demanding I leave the house. Um, it's MY house, I told him HE could leave. So it wound up that I left, because I felt bad he didn't have a place to go.

Misguided?

Yesterday was Elvis' birthday! And it was pointed out, also that of Stephen Hawking and David Bowie.

Welcome!

I needed a space to say what I needed to say, chronicling my current crazy life and my reflections. Maybe it will even help someone!

Where to begin?

I wish to be happy and free. I wish to travel this year. I wish to love where I will.

I'm feeling constrained by a number of circumstances, so I'll be writing more as this progresses. I'm in a huge growth period, and want to reflect on those changes. I'm monitoring the energy flow in my world, since there are fluctuations, and I am feeling them.

And much of my life is absurd, so it can be entertaining.

Happy reading!