That's the way it is!

Sometimes, you just gotta do what you gotta do.

Crazy Grandma

The biggest piece of the puzzle falls into place. I was out at dinner with healing friends, and was having a social time. But healing always comes up - so when we went in and examined what was going on with me - who is BB to me? What is his role? Is it to resolve mother issues? We determined it's NOT past life, but very much this life. The weird energy that has been connected to him wasn't my mother per se, but my grandmother. Who was crazy. She was an alcoholic, abusive, and MISSING TEETH. No wonder I didn't think twice about dealing with him - I was so used to this way of being.

We cleared her out, and I felt a HUGE weight lift, felt light for the first time in years, and also felt no lingering residue about wanting to be with him, or be responsible for him. Yes.

Mother Issues

Odds that BB and my mother having the same birthday, and having the same Chinese horoscope sign - THE SNAKE - means nothing???

This is a billboard sized sign that there's something I need to deal with.

My experience with my mother has always been frustrating. I have never felt loved, have never felt understood, never felt supported. Or at least in ways that would satisfy me. Kind of like speaking different languages. I spent a lot of time as a child trying to figure out what I could do that would make my mother pay attention and love me. I tried being a perfectly behaved child, tried being a boy, was an overachiever, did more, flew higher than anyone ever in the family, but there was still never that feeling of connectedness, of actually being family, not just the fake family in the pictures.

I have spent my whole life looking for my people!

How does this correspond to BB? I dance around trying for connection - and I do believe it is there - but somehow, I'm the only showing up. I provide the emotional (and often actual) sustenance, while what he offers is smoke and mirrors. Talking about emotions isn't experiencing emotions. Me crying is me experiencing emotions, and I got to do this often this past six months - grief, frustration, heartbreak, sadness, even beauty. But no outreach, no comfort. I was even met with annoyance one night when I was having a particularly bad time. Echoes childhood, my tears a bother, my illness a bother, always a burden. Rolled eyes when there were school events, all just too much effort.

When BB needed something, anything, I was always there. Needed a ride, needed to eat, needed money. Always. The few times I said no caused huge tantrums, and a desire to punish me in some way. The hurt eyes, so disappointed that I would refuse him something. The weight of feeling that his whole outlook depended on my supporting him.. Too much for me to carry!

And for all the talk of reciprocity - I got so little back. I got support which was what he felt like doing, not what I needed. It was just all messed up!

So what do I get out of this? People have suggested that I want to rescue them. I don't know. Maybe.

Disappointment

Isn't it a bummer when you think a person is an adult, and then it turns out they are not?

When you love a person like this, does it reflect badly on you? Does it make me an idiot that I wasn't fully aware of this, or is it that this has just been revealed in a big way, when before there were only small glimpses? Am I a fool for feeling sorrowful around this?

The issue which brought the not-talking-to-me situation out is not going to change, I am not going back on what I said. I told my truth; someone heard something that may have been that truth, may have been a deeper truth, or may have been something completely made up on his part, but we'll never know, since all conversation ceased the minute it was out of my mouth.

Perhaps this was the break point that was just waiting to happen. Maybe this was the statement that brought all the other little things into focus for him - since I was meticulously avoiding him having any contact with anyone in my public sphere. No dinners with friends, no movies, nothing social. For reasons I may have explained here earlier - that he tends to lecture rather than converse, and take over any conversation, and be petulant when not discussing his preferred topic. And the fact that none of my friends can really tolerate him, and don't think he's enough for me. Which is true. But doesn't stop me from feeling the point of connection, which is, and has been, real. At least to me.

Thank you, universe, for allowing this to happen, and for freeing me from a detrimental situation, and freeing me for a much better one.

Less Panic

Okay, took care of a few important bills, I am back to following the rules of modern Western life. No more fear of either being pulled over or bumping someone's bumper, and having my world fall apart and me thrown in jail.

Stand Down, Red Alert.

Panic

I am moving huge amounts of stuff, and having to keep up with everything else. Yikes! I'm discovering that a few things have slipped, and feel very irresponsible about it. Feeling out of control, need to get a grip! Panicky feelings, litanies of things undone, self-flagellation over all of it. I so enjoy waking up at 4 am and running through all this!

Lost

So much wisdom comes in the shower. I was thinking about the current relationship issue, trying to puzzle out what it is that I keep running into. The two current relationships, with CH and BB, are actually more similar than I would have thought on the surface. Leaving CH for BB was, I thought, a bold change. But really - no. It's possible that having the same issues in a different wrapping allowed me to see them much more clearly, since I am always inclined to analyze and look for relationships between things, as well as being very interested in my own pathology.

Upon further reflection, I can see a big theme running through many, if not all of my major relationships. What is common to my first marriage, second marriage and current sort-of relationship is that each of these men are lost.

First Husband is brilliant, well-traveled (interesting), nice to look at. But is still struggling with where he fits in the world, has not found his passion, his calling. Part of my frustration with him was exactly this - at some point, you need to make a commitment to your own life. Experiencing depression did not help, and I now question if he has been undergoing a spiritual, rather than psychological or chemical crisis. And it was no fun for me.

CH is charming, but has no real direction. Has spent much of his life drinking, perhaps to avoid confronting his own issues, but the by product is a complete lack of his own identity. He was very happy to connect with me - I was busy doing things, going to grad school, going out with friends. I didn't even notice he didn't have his own life. It became much more apparent after talking to the woman he connected with after me - she saw that right away.

And BB, my conundrum. Again, eager to connect with me and slip into my world, my structure. Very opinionated about the operations, and many ideas worthwhile. But unable to create something, to sustain it, as witnessed by the current breakdown, in terms of his not being able to sustain an income stream independently of me, inability to maintain business relationships independently of me (and evidence coming to light that many people were very put off in business dealings with him), and an inability to even decide how to move forward.

So what does this say about me? I have always had the self image of being lazy and undirected. I need, seriously, to revise this. I managed to get through high school, college, two graduate programs, a divorce, a few moves, obtain an SBA loan, open a store, build a community, make friends. Am I doing everything perfectly? No - but I'm making an effort, and I get up everyday and do it. I get up and work on my dream, work on my life. I don't make excuses, I just do it. I work when I am tired. I work when I have the sniffles, and have worked when I had the flu last year, sick as a dog.

I do the work. I need to think seriously about doing it alone for awhile, really get solid with where I am going, and not allow myself to be distracted or pulled down by those who need to find their own path.

Advice from Above

Messages have been coming through. Some come straight to me, usually in the shower, where the thought comes, and it's "oh, of course!" I have had some come directly from a psychic or channeler to me, and some have been me paying attention when things come up multiple times. Like Mary Magdalene.

As a result of all this, I have a new topic to study - Mary Magdalene and the Cathars, and have been acquiring books on the topic. And I feel a sense of relief that doom is not imminent, and that if I behave myself, get my ducks in a row emotionally and financially, all will be well. It's a nice incentive, and even if it isn't true, or if things shift, it gives me the courage to stay on track. Because it would be so easy to backslide into the familiar, even if the price to pay would be another round of discomfort. Until I understood yet again, that neither boy is my path, my path is solitary for right now. With cats! Who are so happy to have mom to themselves!

The drama part seems to be lessening, the frenetic stirring up of trouble to avoid being alone.

Blindness

Why can all the people around you see the obvious and you can't, especially when it comes to relationships? Are these people challenges made specifically for us, or is the lesson in seeing how inappropriate people are, even in the face of feeling affection towards them?

Why am I attracted to needy, narcissistic people, and not grounded, happy, financially stable people? What aspect of MY personality does this serve? What wound of mine does this serve? It keeps me distracted from the work I need to focus on - it creates drama, so I'm too busy to stop and reflect. Too agitated to let the little voice inside have a say, and it keeps me from having to confront her needs for security.

Much has come up for me in the past few days.

Do the scales finally fall?

In a conversation an evening or two ago, I almost audibly heard the penny drop. The BB was explaining that he is unhappy, and the reasons for that are a lack of motivating elements in his life, a lack of me spending regular quality time with him, a lack of a consistent coffee delivery service. I asked, well, don't you have people that you made commitments to? Isn't that a reason to get out of bed? Apparently not. Also, not willing to work on a business plan for what is actually a good idea because he doesn't want to write something that will, of course, need to be rewritten. And I feel the subtext to all of this is: Please come over here and take care of all this for me. Give me my motivation back. Bring me coffee. Write my business plan.

Do I need to say that this all holds very little interest for me? I have so much of my own stuff going on, I really do not need to be living someone else's life for them.

Day of revelations

No whining today. It passed - my day was interesting yesterday.

Had lunch with a friend in the same boat - so sharing and venting made me feel better, and the feeling of friendship. The women in my life are where I need to focus! These are the nourishing relationships.

At the shop, had a chat with an affiliated person, who shared that BB had unloaded on her a number of our more personal details - it made her uncomfortable to hear it, but the feeling I got was that she thought he was a fool for even saying anything, and what he said was outrageous (my words, not hers). Okay, interesting.

But the killer was turning then to the computer, and having a chat window pop up from CH's (ex)girlfriend, and we proceeded to type back and forth for 2 HOURS. I got confirmation that I am not crazy - that what went on in the relationship with CH is not my imagination. Confirmation that I need to be alone for awhile - men lying and telling tales, who needs it??? So repaired the relationship I had with the girlfriend. Was told again - move forward. Yes!

And then came home to drunk CH, who had been out chatting up some women somewhere, and telling him to get a psychic reading, lol. By the psychic that I send everyone to! Double lol!!

Thank you universe, for keeping me entertained :)

Funk

Major funk! Was having a serene day yesterday, relaxing and reading in bed, with all the cats piled around. Met my goal of reading Elizabeth Gilbert's Committed, it seemed an appropriate book to be reading while figuring out the divorce. And in light of other people also getting ready to divorce.

Anyway, bubble was shattered when CH came home, dished himself some dinner, then told me how he was planning medical expenditures - hearing aids, and lasik - and perhaps I was volatile, but it set me off, then set him off. Another cheery fight over money. Over who gets the house. Over his friends advising him I shouldn't be let back into the house (MY house, yes, again!). Finally get to sleep, then am woken up at 5:30 when CH is in the kitchen running water, making coffee prior to going to the gym. Thanks, an additional hour and a half to cry this morning!

Clarity from this is: I need my own space. I am not comfortable having these emotional booby traps, tired of going over the same ground, the same hurts. Tired of being told that I was the one who left, when CH was the one who was absent for much of the marriage. Just freaked, feeling panicky about financial future, but doing a LOT of self calming talk.

BB no help either - another story. But between the two, I am being driven mad - each has his own idea of what would make me right, and neither feel shy about telling me. I'm not behaving in a satisfactory manner for either one - not giving enough, though both frame it as wanting to help me. Driving BB for coffee, cleaning his cat box, loading his dishwasher is not helping me. Directing CH in the details is not helping me.

I hope I am not coming across as a whiner. I feel whiny. I feel cranky. Is this all my shadow coming out? Where I act like a thwarted 3 year old? Am I just tired? Because aside from the romantic entanglements, everything else is going well. And aside from the financial worry, which I think, if I were to get away from both, would lessen, it would just be clearer. I'd have space to take a job, or to work here more, without the huge drain of having to take care of them. I forget how scrappy I can be.

Center, focus, move forward!

Posers

I have been having way too much interaction with CH. I don't know what his game is, but now that we are on the brink of divorce, he decides that he is 100% invested in the health of the store, wants to dig in and get the accounting done, wants to think up and run events. Where was he a YEAR ago? Where was he when the accounting needed doing? In a bar, somewhere, or sleeping off being in a bar somewhere. Or just gone, not around.

He accompanied me to film night Thursday, wine walk Friday and is lurking here all day today. He has NEVER spent this much time doing store related things, and I am so IRRITATED. I hear how dedicated to building community he is, how hard WE are working to reach out and make a difference. HE is not doing anything other than talking about it. I am the one making connections, working on boards, volunteering my time and resources to others in the community. I feel like he is riding my coattails, making himself look good, after I have done all the work. And I don't wish to be viewed as egotistical, and not giving credit where credit is due, but he has done NOTHING of his own volition that has really stuck. And he keeps volunteering me and the shop, which needs to stop. Then I get the "oh, you never let me do anything" routine, which is also offensive.

Being nice is apparently not working. Now I wonder if he is really going to move out. He's not off looking at houses today, nor have I seen movement towards getting the house he says he likes. What is he thinking? And tonight, when I go on my date with Big Boyfriend, is there going to be bad feelings and jealousy?

I would like to think I am not just being a spoiled brat here, being offered help, then scoffing at it. I would like help in the form that makes sense, and is actually helpful. Is that too much to ask?

More clarity

The path of financial self-sufficiency is clearly what's being supported. Yesterday saw a parade of friends through, and when people show up, I take it as confirmation. Yes.

Looking around the house, if I were to stay, I would like to repaint the living room, from the shiny olive that Current Husband painted it over the summer to something cheerier, perhaps a melon or salmony shade. Refinish the floor. Rip up the carpeting in the bedroom and office, and repaint. Big project would be to rip out the deck, remove the hot tub - or fix it and rebuild the deck around it. I thought part of why I got married was to have a partner in doing these things, but it didn't turn out that way. I would also like to have a door on my bathroom downstairs, and have that project finished. DO I have the money for this? No, but now I have an idea.

And with the store, I am having ideas too - so focus, focus, focus. Leave the boys behind, or at least keep them in a place that suits my needs, not theirs. I need to put things in the correct order: Me, The Store, The Cats, The Finances, My Friends...............................................................boys.

Ask

There's nothing like a little clarity.

After having a necessary but unwanted conversation this morning with Current Husband, it occurred to me that what I need most and want most is financial self-sufficiency. Enough money to have a place to live without a lot of anxiety. A place to feel safe, where the cats and I can sleep in peace, wander barefoot, drink tea without having to deal with anyone else's needs. Getting to create an altar that will not be moved or messed with. Being able to read again, being able to go out and come home without answering to anyone. Okay, that all goes beyond the financial, but you know what I mean.

I floated a note out to my friend Venus, who later popped by to listen to my nonsense - but there you go, she said, yes, pursue the financial independence. Followed by another friend, the Wise Crone, who said the very same thing.

So I put the idea out, and get all sorts of confirmation that this is the right path.

And I have to say yes, even though it feels scary, and this is the first time in probably 30 years that I have not had a secure way to support myself. But I can't allow myself to be beholden to someone emotionally because I'm concerned about the house payment. What I need to do then is SELL THE HOUSE. Although that makes me a bit sad. :(

Maybe I go talk to a banker, and figure it all out.

Big blow up over the weekend. A huge fight precipitated by internet difficulty, which resulted in the current husband demanding I leave the house. Um, it's MY house, I told him HE could leave. So it wound up that I left, because I felt bad he didn't have a place to go.

Misguided?

Yesterday was Elvis' birthday! And it was pointed out, also that of Stephen Hawking and David Bowie.

Welcome!

I needed a space to say what I needed to say, chronicling my current crazy life and my reflections. Maybe it will even help someone!

Where to begin?

I wish to be happy and free. I wish to travel this year. I wish to love where I will.

I'm feeling constrained by a number of circumstances, so I'll be writing more as this progresses. I'm in a huge growth period, and want to reflect on those changes. I'm monitoring the energy flow in my world, since there are fluctuations, and I am feeling them.

And much of my life is absurd, so it can be entertaining.

Happy reading!