Lost

So much wisdom comes in the shower. I was thinking about the current relationship issue, trying to puzzle out what it is that I keep running into. The two current relationships, with CH and BB, are actually more similar than I would have thought on the surface. Leaving CH for BB was, I thought, a bold change. But really - no. It's possible that having the same issues in a different wrapping allowed me to see them much more clearly, since I am always inclined to analyze and look for relationships between things, as well as being very interested in my own pathology.

Upon further reflection, I can see a big theme running through many, if not all of my major relationships. What is common to my first marriage, second marriage and current sort-of relationship is that each of these men are lost.

First Husband is brilliant, well-traveled (interesting), nice to look at. But is still struggling with where he fits in the world, has not found his passion, his calling. Part of my frustration with him was exactly this - at some point, you need to make a commitment to your own life. Experiencing depression did not help, and I now question if he has been undergoing a spiritual, rather than psychological or chemical crisis. And it was no fun for me.

CH is charming, but has no real direction. Has spent much of his life drinking, perhaps to avoid confronting his own issues, but the by product is a complete lack of his own identity. He was very happy to connect with me - I was busy doing things, going to grad school, going out with friends. I didn't even notice he didn't have his own life. It became much more apparent after talking to the woman he connected with after me - she saw that right away.

And BB, my conundrum. Again, eager to connect with me and slip into my world, my structure. Very opinionated about the operations, and many ideas worthwhile. But unable to create something, to sustain it, as witnessed by the current breakdown, in terms of his not being able to sustain an income stream independently of me, inability to maintain business relationships independently of me (and evidence coming to light that many people were very put off in business dealings with him), and an inability to even decide how to move forward.

So what does this say about me? I have always had the self image of being lazy and undirected. I need, seriously, to revise this. I managed to get through high school, college, two graduate programs, a divorce, a few moves, obtain an SBA loan, open a store, build a community, make friends. Am I doing everything perfectly? No - but I'm making an effort, and I get up everyday and do it. I get up and work on my dream, work on my life. I don't make excuses, I just do it. I work when I am tired. I work when I have the sniffles, and have worked when I had the flu last year, sick as a dog.

I do the work. I need to think seriously about doing it alone for awhile, really get solid with where I am going, and not allow myself to be distracted or pulled down by those who need to find their own path.