Crazy Grandma

The biggest piece of the puzzle falls into place. I was out at dinner with healing friends, and was having a social time. But healing always comes up - so when we went in and examined what was going on with me - who is BB to me? What is his role? Is it to resolve mother issues? We determined it's NOT past life, but very much this life. The weird energy that has been connected to him wasn't my mother per se, but my grandmother. Who was crazy. She was an alcoholic, abusive, and MISSING TEETH. No wonder I didn't think twice about dealing with him - I was so used to this way of being.

We cleared her out, and I felt a HUGE weight lift, felt light for the first time in years, and also felt no lingering residue about wanting to be with him, or be responsible for him. Yes.

Mother Issues

Odds that BB and my mother having the same birthday, and having the same Chinese horoscope sign - THE SNAKE - means nothing???

This is a billboard sized sign that there's something I need to deal with.

My experience with my mother has always been frustrating. I have never felt loved, have never felt understood, never felt supported. Or at least in ways that would satisfy me. Kind of like speaking different languages. I spent a lot of time as a child trying to figure out what I could do that would make my mother pay attention and love me. I tried being a perfectly behaved child, tried being a boy, was an overachiever, did more, flew higher than anyone ever in the family, but there was still never that feeling of connectedness, of actually being family, not just the fake family in the pictures.

I have spent my whole life looking for my people!

How does this correspond to BB? I dance around trying for connection - and I do believe it is there - but somehow, I'm the only showing up. I provide the emotional (and often actual) sustenance, while what he offers is smoke and mirrors. Talking about emotions isn't experiencing emotions. Me crying is me experiencing emotions, and I got to do this often this past six months - grief, frustration, heartbreak, sadness, even beauty. But no outreach, no comfort. I was even met with annoyance one night when I was having a particularly bad time. Echoes childhood, my tears a bother, my illness a bother, always a burden. Rolled eyes when there were school events, all just too much effort.

When BB needed something, anything, I was always there. Needed a ride, needed to eat, needed money. Always. The few times I said no caused huge tantrums, and a desire to punish me in some way. The hurt eyes, so disappointed that I would refuse him something. The weight of feeling that his whole outlook depended on my supporting him.. Too much for me to carry!

And for all the talk of reciprocity - I got so little back. I got support which was what he felt like doing, not what I needed. It was just all messed up!

So what do I get out of this? People have suggested that I want to rescue them. I don't know. Maybe.

Disappointment

Isn't it a bummer when you think a person is an adult, and then it turns out they are not?

When you love a person like this, does it reflect badly on you? Does it make me an idiot that I wasn't fully aware of this, or is it that this has just been revealed in a big way, when before there were only small glimpses? Am I a fool for feeling sorrowful around this?

The issue which brought the not-talking-to-me situation out is not going to change, I am not going back on what I said. I told my truth; someone heard something that may have been that truth, may have been a deeper truth, or may have been something completely made up on his part, but we'll never know, since all conversation ceased the minute it was out of my mouth.

Perhaps this was the break point that was just waiting to happen. Maybe this was the statement that brought all the other little things into focus for him - since I was meticulously avoiding him having any contact with anyone in my public sphere. No dinners with friends, no movies, nothing social. For reasons I may have explained here earlier - that he tends to lecture rather than converse, and take over any conversation, and be petulant when not discussing his preferred topic. And the fact that none of my friends can really tolerate him, and don't think he's enough for me. Which is true. But doesn't stop me from feeling the point of connection, which is, and has been, real. At least to me.

Thank you, universe, for allowing this to happen, and for freeing me from a detrimental situation, and freeing me for a much better one.

Less Panic

Okay, took care of a few important bills, I am back to following the rules of modern Western life. No more fear of either being pulled over or bumping someone's bumper, and having my world fall apart and me thrown in jail.

Stand Down, Red Alert.

Panic

I am moving huge amounts of stuff, and having to keep up with everything else. Yikes! I'm discovering that a few things have slipped, and feel very irresponsible about it. Feeling out of control, need to get a grip! Panicky feelings, litanies of things undone, self-flagellation over all of it. I so enjoy waking up at 4 am and running through all this!

Lost

So much wisdom comes in the shower. I was thinking about the current relationship issue, trying to puzzle out what it is that I keep running into. The two current relationships, with CH and BB, are actually more similar than I would have thought on the surface. Leaving CH for BB was, I thought, a bold change. But really - no. It's possible that having the same issues in a different wrapping allowed me to see them much more clearly, since I am always inclined to analyze and look for relationships between things, as well as being very interested in my own pathology.

Upon further reflection, I can see a big theme running through many, if not all of my major relationships. What is common to my first marriage, second marriage and current sort-of relationship is that each of these men are lost.

First Husband is brilliant, well-traveled (interesting), nice to look at. But is still struggling with where he fits in the world, has not found his passion, his calling. Part of my frustration with him was exactly this - at some point, you need to make a commitment to your own life. Experiencing depression did not help, and I now question if he has been undergoing a spiritual, rather than psychological or chemical crisis. And it was no fun for me.

CH is charming, but has no real direction. Has spent much of his life drinking, perhaps to avoid confronting his own issues, but the by product is a complete lack of his own identity. He was very happy to connect with me - I was busy doing things, going to grad school, going out with friends. I didn't even notice he didn't have his own life. It became much more apparent after talking to the woman he connected with after me - she saw that right away.

And BB, my conundrum. Again, eager to connect with me and slip into my world, my structure. Very opinionated about the operations, and many ideas worthwhile. But unable to create something, to sustain it, as witnessed by the current breakdown, in terms of his not being able to sustain an income stream independently of me, inability to maintain business relationships independently of me (and evidence coming to light that many people were very put off in business dealings with him), and an inability to even decide how to move forward.

So what does this say about me? I have always had the self image of being lazy and undirected. I need, seriously, to revise this. I managed to get through high school, college, two graduate programs, a divorce, a few moves, obtain an SBA loan, open a store, build a community, make friends. Am I doing everything perfectly? No - but I'm making an effort, and I get up everyday and do it. I get up and work on my dream, work on my life. I don't make excuses, I just do it. I work when I am tired. I work when I have the sniffles, and have worked when I had the flu last year, sick as a dog.

I do the work. I need to think seriously about doing it alone for awhile, really get solid with where I am going, and not allow myself to be distracted or pulled down by those who need to find their own path.

Advice from Above

Messages have been coming through. Some come straight to me, usually in the shower, where the thought comes, and it's "oh, of course!" I have had some come directly from a psychic or channeler to me, and some have been me paying attention when things come up multiple times. Like Mary Magdalene.

As a result of all this, I have a new topic to study - Mary Magdalene and the Cathars, and have been acquiring books on the topic. And I feel a sense of relief that doom is not imminent, and that if I behave myself, get my ducks in a row emotionally and financially, all will be well. It's a nice incentive, and even if it isn't true, or if things shift, it gives me the courage to stay on track. Because it would be so easy to backslide into the familiar, even if the price to pay would be another round of discomfort. Until I understood yet again, that neither boy is my path, my path is solitary for right now. With cats! Who are so happy to have mom to themselves!

The drama part seems to be lessening, the frenetic stirring up of trouble to avoid being alone.